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Me: Well you know i like you and want to be with you what do you want?
Justin:Its whatever its up to you
Me:well do you like me enough to be in a relationship with me?
Justin: yeah i do.
Me: Well then can we be in a relationship?
Justin: Yeah that would make me so happy
So i go all through today thinking we are together everythings good. we are joking around laughing having a good time hes holding my hand bought me lunch golfed with me blah blah blah i get home and this is how it went..
Me: Im really happy with you .
Justin: yeah idk
Me: you dont know?
Justin: i really like you but i dont know if im ready to be in a relationship just yet
Me: I completly get it i just wish you would have told me before (((He was in a three year realtionship so i get that it still hurts)))
Justin: i know i just didnt really think about it. But i dont want to hurt you i still really like you.
Me: Justin this hurts so much more then if you would have told me yesterday. It takes a lot out of me to tell someone i like them and you knew that. You promised that you would never do things or say things that werent true you promised you wouldnt hurt me.
Justin: Im not trying to hurt you i just dont want to rush things. and i know it takes a lot out of you to tell people that you like them and i feel like such an ass for doing this to you.
Me: so then what do you want to do now?
Justin: I want things to be like how we were before we were together. Still hanging out all the time joking, laughing, kissing. All the same things. Im just not ready right now
Me: I dont know justin i dont want to feel like im being led on. What if we still do all the same things and then after sometime you decide that you dont want to be with me for who knows what reason.
Justin: that wont happen i just need sometime. Ive complatly fallen for you. the whole realtionship thing just scares me right now though.
Me: I get it and im not going to rush you or try to make you feel guilty into being with me.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I am completly hurt though because it does like take a lot for me to tell people i really like them. Like with rob he would ask and i would just be like ' yeah ' but with justin i always just told him flat out that i liked him and that he made me smile all the time. and we would talk for hours about how i dont want to be hurt . and how hes not like all the other guys how he thinks hes diffrent and how he swears that he wont hurt me. But it does if he would have told me yesterday that he wasnt ready and that he just wanted to be like together but not so much together i would have got it. and i feel like he did completly lead me on to believe that he wanted to be with me i mean maybe he does and truly isnt ready for it or what not to be like one day later im not ready.... and he shouldnt be telling me he likes me and kissing me and shit if hes not ready for a relationship. I dont know what to do! thats just how i feel about it all now. I am truly upset. but im also kind of happy that him and i can still be close friends and flirt and everything.
Matthew is getting sent to the 28 day program tomorrow and im going to go to a meeting there and still see him and write him. everyones like no you should because thats leading him on. and i dont think its leading him on because he knows i dont like him like that any more and that hes just a friend to me... and if i went away to rehab i would like people to write and visit me.
Scott e my friend who just recently got out of rehab and was all for the program and going to 90 meetings in 90 days and shit relapsed. it sucks and im kind of dissapointed in him but also its like such a true realtiy that no matter how clean and how good people will you do something may or may not happen. Its just a let down also because i had so much faith in him .
School gets out on June 6th i cant wait!!!!
I got my nails done today because i am going to this really really nice dinner on saturday because a group of friends and i didnt register in time for prom so we still want to dress up and go out and do something so thats what we are doing =) lol im so excited and i cant wait....
and im also probablly going to go to the beach on friday or sunday to just chill on the rocks and watch the lake and what not... it should be a lot of fun. I hope justin will decide to go. I hate still trying to be with him when i know its bad timing or w.e but i guess he still tries to see me because he was going to come over today and sit and talk with me but then he got into some sort of trouble with his mom and had to go home early....
WHO KNOWS!!!
Always,
Jessie
- Mood:
frustrated - Music:I've changed for you.
Thursday at school we went to the camp sunrise field trip.
We split into two groups and at first i didnt want to be in it because Rob was in it and i thought it was going to be awkward but then he started talking to me so i nominated him as my partner for the day.
So we did archery then afterwards my group went to the rock wall, and i was so scared when it was my turn i started climbing and i got about half way up and i wanted to come down but they wouldnt let me they all started cheering for me so i climbed the rest of the way and i was so scared but everyone was like yay! we are so proud of you jessie! and then when i went and sat next to rob i was like shaking so badly i was so nervous from the wall.
Then we had lunch and the teachers grilled hot dogs. Justin and i ate lunch together he stole one of my hot dogs =( lol.
Then my group went on the canoes and i was on one with rob and mike hopkins. I was so scared i was holding on to the edge of the boat. and then instructor guy was splashing water at us and then rob started to splash water at me so i was splashing him back and then all the groups met up and we played gaga ball <--- some werid but fun game. and then we played like where two people are in two loop holes in a rope facing the opposite way and they pretty much pull each other to the other side of the room to win.
i didnt play that one lol
After that justin and i hung out. He picked me up then we went to the resivor by my house walked around and then just sat and talked. Friday justin christine jeff and i all went to the drive-in movies. We had so much fun. then saturday christine and i hung out for a little then mike and rob stopped by my house.
Today i havent really done anything justin and i are going to the movies in a little bit i think it should be fun.
Tomorrow is memorial day and i think i am going to go to a BBQ! im excited. theres only like 10 or 11 more days left of this school year!
Always,
Jessie
- Mood:
content
Lately like everything has been pissing me off so much ive just beens snapping on everyone and i feel so bad but its like i dont even know whats wrong.
On friday i went to a party at my friend munchies house and he left to go on a liquor run with some people who just showed up at the party ((( Bad Idea ))) they jumped him and when he came back his nose was broken and both his eyes were busted up and he said that they held a knife to his head and threatened to stab him. it was so bad i was so scared. =(
Saturday i didnt do anything .
Sunday i hung out at munchies with a bunch of people...
Monday when i was at munchies house the neighbor i guess thought we were robbing the house so he called the cops and the cops raided the house it was so scary they had all there guns out and everything i couldnt believe it. i was so pissed to because they had us sitting outside for like 10-15 mins and then just let us go back in the house.
i really havent been doing much just been at munchies house all the time now.
Friday im going to munchies for a party. Then saturday is my brothers birthday then sunday is the autism walk so i cant wait for that =)!
Then i get home and i get into a HUGE fight with someone who i thought was a close friend of mine. He was telling me things like... Why dont you go smoke rocks and overdose and die.
Like honestly i can handle anything people throw at me but when people bring up my past drug stuff thats what hurts me the most and im down for the count. People just dont understand that i go through a daily battle with that. I dream about it, i think about it, i write about it. It never leaves and it takes all my energy to just stay away from it. i know i went through way to much and when people through it back in my face it hurts me so badly.
Matthew tried to start stuff with me today. But i didnt let him. Im done with it. Robs kind of pissed though which is understandable. First he was upset with me because i didnt tell him how often matthew was messaging me or not and i didnt tell him during school that matthew called me a bitch. i waited till after school so rob didnt flip out. But he understood right away. Which is good.
My best friend christine is going through some hard times with her friends but she'll make it they keep trying to start shit with her but i told them to drop it because i will go out to wheeling and handle it myself. It makes me so angry when people pick on the weaker people. I mean christines not weak not at all shes just got too big of a heart to say anything back and they know that. It kills me when shes sad or upset.
Always,
--Jessie--
Im going to talk to rob about going to prom with me at the end of may ill see what he says but idk. hopefully he will say yes and go with cause my best friend christine said she wont go unless i go but i dont want to go stag and i dont want to go with any one else. so yeah thats pretty much where im at for right now.
Always,
--Jessie--
- Mood:
scared
So my friend scott picked me up and we hung out at his house for a little while then we went to the meeting. the meeting was really good i havent been to one in a while so it was good and there was a girl there jill that i havent seen since rehab so it was really good to see her. The speaker was also really good i related to him a lot and then i got to talk to a few people and it was good to just feel so accepted for something thats so looked down upon. and its not like there like YAY YOU DID DRUGS YOUR ONE OF US! its more like... WOW WE GET IT AND WE ARE HERE!... type of things. they all get it and we all went through the same things just diffrent ways.
I feel a lot better about the situation with matthew i got to talk to a few people about it which made me feel better and they werent like...oh hes an ass blah blah blah... it was ... well this happened to me and this is what i did... so it made things a whole lot clearer for me and put things in a diffrent aspect because the people i was talking to didnt really know me to well and dont know him at all. so things are finally clear.
I guess scott wants to go to meetings with me every wednesday and monday which will be good for me considering ive been around drugs a lot more often then normal and then i should be so itll be good . hes sincere about him becomming sober and surronding himself with sober people and the sober aspect of life and hes a good kid that ive known for a while and get a long with pretty well so we can support each other and count on each other for a lot and hang out and do sober good things with each other.
MOST AWKWARD POINT OF MY NIGHT....
When i was at scotts his friend jimmy came over hes 19 graduated highschool last year and his girlfriend came over to and shes a tiny but really pretty girl... shes 14 and is a freshman in high school... i honestly just feel bad for her because what would a 19 year old want with a 14 year old girl? not saying that their intentions are based on sex but they were at a friends house with their parents home and they were trying to fool around. i dont know them so everything i am saying is being just based off of assumptions but i feel that this young girl is being taken advantage of... he did something ((( i dont know what ))) she said no stop and then gave in because he started to get up to walk away. when i was in a relationship with some one way to old for me it was controlling and eventually got out of hand. not saying that this is how this guy is or what not but i just felt bad.
At school today this girl amanda got mad at my friend roxy for a misunderstanding and completly blew it up and out of porportion and i felt bad she walked away crying but i didnt know what to do when i asked the teachers if i could go talk to her they said no because she has the right to have her feelings hurt and what not. and i completely get it i just dont want her feelings to be hurt over something that could be cleared up no problem because it was a dumb situation.
Things with matthew today were good he didnt really say to much about how i was around rob but other people certianly did. every one was like ... i noticed those big hugs you guys shared... and i think its so dumb because i hug everyone just as big as i hug rob but i think my school is still hung up on the whole situation with matthew and what is jessie going to do next? because there is honestly only like 12 girls at my school and i guess you could say im in the " in crowd" which is dumb but its high school and a long with high school comes the labels. so when one of the "in crowd" people have something going on everyone knows and it doesnt help that i only go to a school of 40 people max and im part of the group that people look at most.
It also sucks because when i want to have a bad day or wear pjs to school i cant especailly this week because thats what people expect . is for me to be deppressed and let myself go or act out. and its just nuts because thats what i want to do. I want to cry at school when matthew passes me in the hall and we act like we dont know each other or the girls who i was jealous over when we were dating are talking to him.i want to get jealous and get angry and upset and cry and eat ice cream and wear pjs but when im being "watched" i freak out and conform to what im "supposed to be" because of my dumb label.
Blah i completly got off track.
This was long and i feel so good <333
--jessie--
So my friend scott picked me up and we hung out at his house for a little while then we went to the meeting. the meeting was really good i havent been to one in a while so it was good and there was a girl there jill that i havent seen since rehab so it was really good to see her. The speaker was also really good i related to him a lot and then i got to talk to a few people and it was good to just feel so accepted for something thats so looked down upon. and its not like there like YAY YOU DID DRUGS YOUR ONE OF US! its more like... WOW WE GET IT AND WE ARE HERE!... type of things. they all get it and we all went through the same things just diffrent ways.
I feel a lot better about the situation with matthew i got to talk to a few people about it which made me feel better and they werent like...oh hes an ass blah blah blah... it was ... well this happened to me and this is what i did... so it made things a whole lot clearer for me and put things in a diffrent aspect because the people i was talking to didnt really know me to well and dont know him at all. so things are finally clear.
I guess scott wants to go to meetings with me every wednesday and monday which will be good for me considering ive been around drugs a lot more often then normal and then i should be so itll be good . hes sincere about him becomming sober and surronding himself with sober people and the sober aspect of life and hes a good kid that ive known for a while and get a long with pretty well so we can support each other and count on each other for a lot and hang out and do sober good things with each other.
MOST AWKWARD POINT OF MY NIGHT....
When i was at scotts his friend jimmy came over hes 19 graduated highschool last year and his girlfriend came over to and shes a tiny but really pretty girl... shes 14 and is a freshman in high school... i honestly just feel bad for her because what would a 19 year old want with a 14 year old girl? not saying that their intentions are based on sex but they were at a friends house with their parents home and they were trying to fool around. i dont know them so everything i am saying is being just based off of assumptions but i feel that this young girl is being taken advantage of... he did something ((( i dont know what ))) she said no stop and then gave in because he started to get up to walk away. when i was in a relationship with some one way to old for me it was controlling and eventually got out of hand. not saying that this is how this guy is or what not but i just felt bad.
At school today this girl amanda got mad at my friend roxy for a misunderstanding and completly blew it up and out of porportion and i felt bad she walked away crying but i didnt know what to do when i asked the teachers if i could go talk to her they said no because she has the right to have her feelings hurt and what not. and i completely get it i just dont want her feelings to be hurt over something that could be cleared up no problem because it was a dumb situation.
Things with matthew today were good he didnt really say to much about how i was around rob but other people certianly did. every one was like ... i noticed those big hugs you guys shared... and i think its so dumb because i hug everyone just as big as i hug rob but i think my school is still hung up on the whole situation with matthew and what is jessie going to do next? because there is honestly only like 12 girls at my school and i guess you could say im in the " in crowd" which is dumb but its high school and a long with high school comes the labels. so when one of the "in crowd" people have something going on everyone knows and it doesnt help that i only go to a school of 40 people max and im part of the group that people look at most.
It also sucks because when i want to have a bad day or wear pjs to school i cant especailly this week because thats what people expect . is for me to be deppressed and let myself go or act out. and its just nuts because thats what i want to do. I want to cry at school when matthew passes me in the hall and we act like we dont know each other or the girls who i was jealous over when we were dating are talking to him.i want to get jealous and get angry and upset and cry and eat ice cream and wear pjs but when im being "watched" i freak out and conform to what im "supposed to be" because of my dumb label.
Blah i completly got off track.
This was long and i feel so good <333
--jessie--
In a little bit a friend from school is picking me up and we are going to go to an A.A meeting. Hes new out of rehab and feels awkward going by himself and i enjoy meetings surprisingly so i said i would go with him... it will be good and help the both of us out.
Ill write more later
--Jessie--
- Mood: chipper
I guess matthew went up to rob today at school and was like.. Man im sorry i just want to be cool and all this other dumb shit. rob is still pissed though and i understand but atleast they wont fight agian that would make me very angry. Rob is such a sweet guy hes always making me laugh and when its just us in the halls he always says... Hi beautiful... but it is kind of shitty that we can only hug or really talk when no one else is around because everyone just makes a bigger deal out of everything then it needs to be like this kid yesterday came up to me and asked where matt was and i said he was suspended and hes like okay good which means i can talk to you today and it made me feel so shitty because i dont get why people are walking on egg shells around me just to make sure matthew doesnt get mad or whatever. its so dumb i want all this to be over with and to just blow over but i guess i keep making it worse because i answer matthews phone calls and i try and make things better and be civil with him and i think he gets the wrong idea. like i want to be friends with him i really do but thats all that i want i cant handle another relationship where things go wrong all the time and we are constantly arguing. and i get that matthew argued with me because he cared but i feel that if he cared that much that we wouldnt argue. and its not that i even want to get back with him because i dont im 16 i should be with someone who i can just laugh with and joke around with like honestly at this point i dont care to much for all the emotional baggage that comes with relationships i mean sure it would be really good but i just dont want to go out of my way anymore to be there for a guy ((( that i am in a realtionship with))) and get attached to know that it will all just go down hill. and i guess that is kind of pesstimistc but im 16 and i dont plan to spend the rest of my life with the next boy that i date. and thats whats so amazing about rob we just talk about nothing for hours . i mean of course we have shared a few personal things but we dont get stuck on them and all hung up on all the emotions. its fun. when i hung out with him on friday it was fun we didnt have much to say but we both enjoyed just being there which was good. hes the type of guy that is just fun to be around hes always trying to make me laugh and everything its fun nothing more but just pure fun and im genuine when i laugh or smile when im talking to him . every day at school we always lock eyes and he will smile or wink at me and it makes me feel good knowing that i dont have to worry about what to wear or how to impress him or whatever because its just fun.
Other than boy drama everything else is going pretty good. im still taking the steroids for my lungs and my inhaler which kind of sucks but i guess its for the best. Yesterday i went with my best friend christine and her boyfriend jeff to see Baby Momma, it wasnt as good as it seemed in all the commercials but there is a new Sex and the City movie comming out which i really really want to see.
The autism walk is comming up soon so i am excited about that. My brothers birthday is also that weekend so the 16th my mom and i are taking him to see the new chronicles of narnia movie then the 17th his actual birthday im having a surprise birthday party for him and then on sunday the 18th is the walk which a lot of people from my school will be doing. we get to make t-shirts this week at school for the walk which will be exciting.
mmmm i dont know everything else is pretty good. not much else is going on. My mom and i are going to walk the dog when she gets home in a half an hour even though its kind of chilly outside but i still like going on the walks. i will write more later.
giving up doesnt mean your weak
it means your strong enough to let go
--Jessie--
Saturday i ran errands with my mom all day went shopping and everyhting. then i was supposed to have a surprise party for my best friend but instead i had to go to the hospital because i was weezing and could barley breath which blew. they said i have like seasonal ashtma or some shit.
So today im just going to stay home and watch movies and color in my room. rob wants to come over though and make me soup and take car of me he said lol. blahhhhhh.
--Jessie--
- Mood:
discontent
On a good note i got a job with my close friend roxanne at the AMF bowling alley. Its cool i guess so im excited about that. Im pretty sure i failed my science test today though it blew but whatever.I get to go shopping this weekend which will be amazing. and then the weekend after that i get to go prom shopping! i cant wait i am so excited! prom will be a lot of fun. and it will be with Wheeling because thats the last regular school i went to before alternative school so i will know a lot of people . I CANT WAIT.
MmmmmM at school today this girl jaki (((one of the girls who lied to matthew))) was clearly talking about me and then one of the teachers came up to me during gym and asked me if i have been saying things about her. i got so angry i was like. Come on she has been talking about me all day shes a dumb whore. i hate her. tell her not to talk about me and there wont be any problems. but whatever i got in trouble for that but not too much.
Theres this new kid Rob at school hes pretty cool. hes a nice guy we talk often. he is really funny and sweet and just really down to earth he is deff. a person that i really like being around.
Who knows.? ill write more later <3
In a little bit i am going out to wheeling with my best friend. Shes so amazing.
I guess there was an earthquake this morning? who knows i didnt feel it but my teacher did.
So at school we have been practicing for the ACTs and i walked out today cause everyone was talking and goofing around and i couldnt concentrate so i got taken off my level today for two days im so pissed i couldnt believe it. Because i didnt 'accept help' some dumb as shit. this makes me so mad and if i wasnt on court supervision i would not go to school. THIS BLOWS.
I was hanging out at the skate park a few days ago with my cousin and some old friends and my old friends jumped this guy well i was sitting there it like super freaked me out. Like i would never see them as those types of guys. It was really freaky. Exspecailly since one of them is like my brother. I mean obvisouly they didnt get hurt cause they jumped one guy with three of them. It suck =(.
Well im going to head out i will write about my night later. <3
- Mood:
flirty
- Mood: scared
My friend chrstine picked me up and we drove to my friends work and surprised him. He was out on break and when we pulled up he looked at the car then looked back and realized it was us. we stood out there for a little while just talking and then christine dropped my friend jake and i at his car and we drove around just talking and then i went home. It was good talking to jake we talked about a lot of deep stuff without realizing how deep we were getting. It was good to get some stuff on my chest. I dont really look at jake as the type of person that i want to tell things to like im not going to go out of my way to call him when im sad to talk to him but it deffiantly felt good to get some things out there that ive been keeping to my self. Today i have 11 months and no body said congrats or anything today untill i said something and even then i felt like they didnt care to much. Its just such a big deal to me like 11 months without touching the drugs i was doing is a big deal. Who knows though?
I guess on a good note the guy matt that christine and i went to go visit today at his work is a guy that ive kind of liked for a little while and he told christine when my phone was down how he missed me and wanted to talk to me so badly. it made me feel good.
mmmm i cant really think of to much more to say so i will write tomorrow .
Always,
--Jessie--
- Mood: crazy
Always,
--Jessie--
- Mood: relieved
my ex boyfriend took me out to lunch today just as a friends thing because we are super close but it was akward becaus he wants to get back with me and everything and its hard because i do i care about him a lot but i also dont want to make a desicion because things are just a little rocky right now with my current boyfriend i dont know what to do this is so confusing!
- Mood:
confused
But on a good note i went to a friends bonfire hung out there for a while then went to another friends house and just laid around talking and having a good time.
I dont know im still in a shitty kind of mood yesterday my boyfriend was like well i could just see you tomorrow (today) so i went out of my way to see my cousins last night so i could see my boyfriend today but now hes not even sure if he wants to do anything with me.
This sucks. I hate this so much .
--Jessie--
- Mood: disappointed
